If we try to manage conflicts with our children by managing their behavior to get them to do what we want them to do through punishment, rewards, and “natural consequences” of our own design (with the end result being our controlling their behavior), the gains will be temporary and will come at a high cost.

This doesn’t mean that children can behave any way they want and that we must give up what we need. Parents’ needs are of equal importance. The goal is respectful interactions, where each person’s needs are valued and taken into consideration—the intent being to meet everyone’s needs as much and as frequently as possible.

As parents, we often see ourselves in the role of parent-educator. This role can set us up for on-going frustration and conflicts. We want to influence our children, to pass on our values and to help guide them in ways that will most likely contribute to their happiness, well-being, and success in life. We often do this in ways that are self-defeating. The way we are most likely to influence our children is less about what we say and more about who we are, including what we do and model.

The only behavior we can actually control and change is our own. And, when we change our behavior, our children’s behavior is more likely to change as well.

As Joseph Chilton Pearce reminds us:

        What we are teaches our child far more than what we say,
so we must be what we want our children to become.